Is My Ex Clinging Like a Barnacle to Our Sunken Relation-Ship?

Dear J & M,

I think my ex might still have feelings for me. He apologized for all the shit he pulled and we're friends again. But still, whenever I say anything about my new boyfriend, he gets real quiet and changes the subject real fast.

Is there something up, or am I imagining things? How else would I be able to tell?

Love,

Friends With Ex

♥ ♥ ♥

Friends,

One of the most valuable lessons I ever learned when it comes to complicated relationships was to trust my gut. At times, I still find it helpful to remember the Boogie Nights test: if it looks like shit, and it sounds like shit, then it must be shit.

Trusting my gut doesn't come easily to me, as I'm guessing it doesn't to you. That’s because our society encourages us to listen to our logical left brains over the sorcery of intuition.

My own default setting is to over-intellectualize my feelings, rationalize them into something "civil" and antiseptic. But don't make the classic mistake of forgetting that we are all feeling creatures. What your ex should be okay with by the rules of your new platonic arrangement probably still ignites instinctual jealousy in him. After all, he hasn't forgotten that what you now share with your new man you once shared with him.

Maybe your ex is over-intellectualizing his relationship with you, too, perhaps in order to keep you around. It makes me think of the twinkly-eyed pick-up line used on people who have partners: “What, can’t you have friends?” The grift is the idea that relationship status is a toggle that can be cleanly switched from friends to lovers and back again.

The fact that you two used to be an item only compounds an issue that bubbles under the surface of every intimate relationship with fuck potential. It's essentially the will-they-won't-they dynamic. Between two single friends with compatible sexual preferences, the possibly of hooking up is on the menu. This is a tacit understanding that keeps the machinery of the relationship operating smoothly.

Your new boyfriend is like a wrench in that machine. At every mention of his name, your ex is reminded not only that he will not be laying you in any hypothetical futurity but that there was a time for that, and it has gone. Regardless of how things ended, it's hard to let go of people we were once close to without momentum to push us away.

In short—yes. It's probably safe to say your ex still has feelings for you. Especially given his tumultuous behavior in the past. If he texts you frequently and wants to know what you had for dinner, then you know for sure. Try giving yourself space, for both his sake and yours. "Leave room for the Holy Spirit," as the Catholic half of The Rag put it.

Remember, we humans are evolved creatures, but we haven't yet squashed out emotional instinct. Which is why you probably knew all this already in your gut.

— J & M